Empty spaces

I try so hard to fill the empty spaces. It's almost an instinct. Where there is the slightest discomfort, a cold wind blowing on my nakedness, I look for a door to shut or frantically look for something to stuff the hole. I hate the cold and I'm naked underneath. I'm always buying "clothes" to cover up that nakedness. They don't keep me warm enough, in other words, they are useless. I miss my mom, I miss my great grandmother - throughout my life there have been holes that have opened up, and I don't want to feel the extent of that loss. The holes just go too deep. That started the habit of trying to cover them up, but like a sinkhole - everything I used got sucked into the hole and disappeared. Yes, I've been breaking apart at the seams. I am running around with bandaids following every tear. I read somewhere this morning, that in order to transform, I have to be willing to break apart. Willing, I am not. It is amazing though, that saying, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear!" I started writing about these holes and in my inbox came newsletter with an article about "Breaking Open". My life has been dragging me to this place of new freedom, it can't take me any further without my willing cooperation. Just like in that article by Liz Rotundo on the www.thechangeblog.com/broken-heart/, I want to become that person locked inside me! And I have to free her. Like a bomb exploding in my head, this statement blew my mind, and I quote - "I suddenly understood that for so many years, I believed that the person inside me should be fully formed and know WHO she was and WHERE her life would take her. In this incredible moment of clarity, I accepted that it’s ok to let her free now even though she is not yet fully formed. I knew that, once free, she’d find her way. And I was, in that instant, completely open to the possibilities." I'm ready to embrace ME through self love and gentleness.

Last night I decided I wanted to participate in the radical self love project, directed by my superhero, Galadarling. You rock.