A letter to myself as a child.

Hi baby girl,

You are the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen. You are so precious and special. You are a serious person, you don’t give your smiles away easily. But when you smile or laugh you light up a whole room and your laugh makes those around you happy. You have always been independent, figuring stuff out on your own and always eager to learn. You are athletic and beyond smart. You are so caring of others, you oftentimes put their needs before your own. Just remember that you are important too. Just as you treat others with gentle love and respect, you deserve it too. Just as you give others a safe room to explore their dreams, you give yourself that safe room too. People will be mean and it will hurt. But don’t let them steal your power, your joy, your love, your happiness. You are the writer, director and star of your own fairytale. Write your own story. You are strong. What they do to you won’t kill you. You will survive and be happy if you choose to love yourself a lot. You know the truth about who you are. Don’t let them tell you who you are. All the things you dream of becoming, you are. Your dreams are your mirror. I love you. You are so sweet and perfect in your own unique way. And perfect does not mean doing everything right all the time. You are perfect in that you are enough. You don’t need anything added or taken away to be considered good enough. You are good enough. And others will like you as you are, without addition or subtraction. And if they don’t like you, cuz not everyone will like you, it’s their loss, because you are wonderful. Get to know yourself really well, find your likes and dislikes and enjoy something you like every day. Be open to new things, you get an opportunity to add to your likes list. Spend your life finding out what you like and do them. Don’t forbid yourself anything, everything is allowed. You are a good girl. You don’t have to be “ladylike” to be considered good. You are a lady, because that’s who you are. Being a lady for you is being bold and brazen too. Be as fun, as silly or as serious as you need to be. And remember that you are your own best friend more than anyone else could ever be.

Love Forever,
Me.

Empty spaces

I try so hard to fill the empty spaces. It's almost an instinct. Where there is the slightest discomfort, a cold wind blowing on my nakedness, I look for a door to shut or frantically look for something to stuff the hole. I hate the cold and I'm naked underneath. I'm always buying "clothes" to cover up that nakedness. They don't keep me warm enough, in other words, they are useless. I miss my mom, I miss my great grandmother - throughout my life there have been holes that have opened up, and I don't want to feel the extent of that loss. The holes just go too deep. That started the habit of trying to cover them up, but like a sinkhole - everything I used got sucked into the hole and disappeared. Yes, I've been breaking apart at the seams. I am running around with bandaids following every tear. I read somewhere this morning, that in order to transform, I have to be willing to break apart. Willing, I am not. It is amazing though, that saying, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear!" I started writing about these holes and in my inbox came newsletter with an article about "Breaking Open". My life has been dragging me to this place of new freedom, it can't take me any further without my willing cooperation. Just like in that article by Liz Rotundo on the www.thechangeblog.com/broken-heart/, I want to become that person locked inside me! And I have to free her. Like a bomb exploding in my head, this statement blew my mind, and I quote - "I suddenly understood that for so many years, I believed that the person inside me should be fully formed and know WHO she was and WHERE her life would take her. In this incredible moment of clarity, I accepted that it’s ok to let her free now even though she is not yet fully formed. I knew that, once free, she’d find her way. And I was, in that instant, completely open to the possibilities." I'm ready to embrace ME through self love and gentleness.

Last night I decided I wanted to participate in the radical self love project, directed by my superhero, Galadarling. You rock.

"Whatever you focus on will become your reality" - Laura Bushnell

I saw this quote on another blog (Ophelia Blooming)and it stuck in my head. I had a chance to think about it some more this past week as I had this experience I'm about to share.

Last week I was thinking about adding some dresses to my wardrobe. As I scanned my magazines, I saw a sexy gray sheath which I thought would be a versatile addition to the closet...It could be worn all year round with a change in accessories and go day to night. I wrote it down on my list and said to myself, I want this gray dress. A few days later, windowshopping in the mall, yielded the said gray sheath in glen plaid (the exact pattern I was looking for), on sale. Was that a coincidence? Or did I manifest it in my reality? I could discount the power of the mind to mere chance if this only happened once in a blue moon. But as I looked back at the stuff crossed off my to-do list, quite a few of these victories were materialized without much struggle or effort, except clear intent and desire.

Have you ever noticed that when an angry thought appears in your mind, it gets bigger as another angry thought feeds into it and it picks up speed and more angry thoughts get added, and before long you forgot what you were initially angry about, but more importantly, the whole world to you now seems filled with poison and everyone is out to get you. Now step back a bit and take in the scenery - the world went on about it's business, doing what it does. The thing that changed was your perspective, due to those thoughts. Your thoughts changed your perception of reality. And at some point I'm sure you have followed through with an action, based on that new perception. That action became a brick in the construction of your world. See how you just created a reality? Just like magic!

So...first we need to figure out what kind of world we want to live in. Monitor our thoughts to make sure they help build that world - if they don't build, but help to destroy, throw them out. At first it will be hard as you sort the good from the bad bricks cemented together, keep adding more good bricks and soon you'll have your world. Look how quickly a subdivision goes up these days, and that requires physical labor and has to work around the weather. This construction I'm talking about is in your mind, ready to work when you are, and no bad weather to deal with - unless you make it so.

A Poem I wrote after watching the movie "Gabriel"

The Lord is my Shepherd
I shall not want
Are you saying Lord -
that all these hardships,
what it means to be human,
is a direct route to Your Love
and Grace?

We were not created as angels
to live in Your presence,
never separated from Your Love and Will.
Instead somewhat apart we are,
and the freedom to choose.
So You open us to opportunities
veiled as challenges
to show us the limitless bounds
of Your sweet, generous care,
Your longing to bring us close
and keep us to stay.

I thought You wanted us perfect - a state we could never be. All You ask is our acceptance of Your Grace. Celebrate our humanness as we acknowledgd Your Kingship. Our living in Love is your worship.

We are wasting time!!!

Really, why do we even worry about things? We worry about the things we can’t control. We can’t control IT, (whatever IT is), so what’s the use in worrying? Worrying won’t change anything, one way or the other. Now, the things we can control, like our behavior, etc., again worrying will not serve us because if you can control it, then change it. In situations where you are depending on another person, all you can do is prepare the best you can and allow the other person to do their part. I can’t control what they do, so again, it doesn’t make sense to worry.


Everyone has their own point of view. Whether right or wrong, it’s their own. That doesn’t mean that your experience will be the same as theirs. Life is so not one size fits all. Again, I am learning that just because someone has more experience, etc., that doesn’t give them authority over my life…and you shouldn’t defer to them just because of the same reason either. We are all unique, so our lives will be unique and custom fitted. We are not meant to borrow someone else’s coat and they can’t wear ours. That is so awesome, because since you can’t take my place, that means there is a place and a purpose for every single one of us.

In Memoriam

I am so sleepy today...I stayed up past my bedtime to watch BET's awards show. The entire show was a touching tribute to Michael Jackson, "the King of Pop", who left our shores for the better world he always sang about, on June 25, 2009. We, viewers and performers alike, celebrated the legacy he left behind in both music and philanthropy. For me, the most beautiful, thought-provoking moment was Janet Jackson's appearance and statement to the world. There on the stage, as she acknowledged thanks and love

from the world, her pain was so palpable - it hit me!!! While we lost this icon who will forever will be etched in our memory and a small part of our hearts; she lost her big brother, the man who once was her playmate so long ago, and probably her lifelong confidant. Her loss is nothing we could ever fathom. How hurtful it must be in the wake of his death, having to deal with the negative press about him - even in death, he and his family have no peace. The Jackson's have always been a private religous family, so with their faith, they will press on and heal. I wish strength to the family and the peace from the only One who will be able to provide. And to everyone else, please respect their moment of grief and to think twice before speaking ill of the dead!

Past, Present, Future

First, I want to apologize for the long pause in posting. Things have been a little hectic around here, the run up to my sister's wedding and all. She got married on May 2nd, with much family to witness the beautiful event. Things have finally calmed down.

I've been thinking about where I want this blog to go - I didn't want to do just style entries, as there is so much more to life that I want to share with you. So I will be writing on whatever subject fascinates me at any given moment and post more frequently.

That being said, I had an epiphany today. "Style will take you everywhere!" When you put your best foot forward in all you do, it can open many doors and you will be at home in a myriad of situations and locations. Yesterday I witnessed this for myself. I was dressed quite nicely - a fitted black knit sheath dress (Gap $50) under a black pinstripe boyfriend blazer (thrift store Ann Taylor find) with black platform heels(Nine West $20) -and I was having lunch at Subway. When the sandwich maker tried to fold my sandwich closed, it fell apart. He offered to remake my sandwich. He could have just not said anything, rolled it up in the paper and stuffed it in the bag without me knowing. Instead of being annoyed, although I was pretty close to eating my arm, I was so hungry, I let him remake my sandwich. And as an added bonus, he offered me 3 cookies free of charge. I could reason that he was just doing his job, giving exceptional customer service, but I do believe that the way I carried myself and the fact that I didn't look like a bum played a significant role in garnering that exceptional customer service.

Ok. Next on the agenda is my latest obsession - beauty. I am so fascinated with makeup these days since for my sister's wedding. We had a makeup artist do our makeup. The makeup looked awesome and I have tons of pretty pictures to prove it. Here's the closeup above. What's so amazing to me is that it was 90 degrees that day, and the ceremony and pictures were done outdoors. No nasty shine, no makeup slippage, no mascara picking, and no mask face. It was me only so much better (for the camera). Let's see if I can remember what she used. First a primer and eyeshadow base, then Alexis did my eyes. A coppery brown shadow with some dark shadow for shading in the crease as you can see from the picture. A gold highlight under my brows, and brow shadow to fill in and a dark pencil on the underside of the brow for definition. Next, she put on some store bought lashes, which Alexis had to cut down due to small eye real estate, lined my top lashes and half way on my lower lashes, then used a white liner inside the lower lashes. Then she applied Bourjois mascara to my top lashes only. Alexis told me that leaving my bottom lashes mascara free will make my eyes look bigger. The white liner really opened up my eyes. After she was done with the eyes, she applied Prescriptives foundation to the rest of my face. Then came the blush, I don't remember what color, face powder, bronzer to highlight the areas of my face the sun will hit, then lip color. She used a neutral lip liner, with a pinkish gloss over it. I have never tried Bourjois Pump Up the Volume Waterproof Mascara before. I have found another favorite, $10 cheaper. And I've heard that this brand is made by the same factory that makes Chanel cosmetics. My other favorite mascara is Diorshow. I know I won't be able to do this everyday, but when I wear makeup, this is how I want it to look - natural, but done. Time to stock up on some new colors for my makeup kit and add seasonally to keep the look fresh and modern. Much kudos to my new makeup artist, Alexis, and to my new hair stylist, Jimonus for the ultra fabulous hair. This hair was not what I had in mind when I went in...Good thing he knew better!

Lately, I've been revisiting memories of my youth. That special time right before graduating high school when I dreamed of the world ahead of me. In many ways I've come full circle, style-wise and in terms of visions of the future. I feel like I am embarking on a new exciting chapter of my life as I felt back then. The reset button has been pushed - another chance at bringing those ideas to life, the ones I was too scared to pursue when I was younger for fear of disappointing others and charting my course based on someone else's view of success. I always knew I would be successful, I just didn't know what at...I still am not sure, but this time I'll do it my way. Every idea no matter how silly, as long as it sounds fun - I will try. I will say "Yes"to life. BTW "Yes Man" is an awesome movie...My inspiration actually. I want to learn to surf, sing in a band, write a book in the style of Francesca Lia Block, volunteer, travel the United States and abroad and so much more. I want to be a slash...writer/rockstar/world traveler/activist/ etc. The definition of a "Quiksilver Woman".

My Intentions

- I intend to creatively express myself authentically.

- I intend to find out who is my authentic self.

- I intend to live from this authentic place in full spirit, submerging the ego to spirit.

- I intend to open my heart and mind to possibility, sexuality, ecstasy, passion.

- I intend to follow my intuition and align with my divine self.

- I intend to have a great adventure.

- I intend to let go of my constant need to be in total control and cut loose.

I'll sign off for now. There is much to chew on. LOL!