A letter to myself as a child.

Hi baby girl,

You are the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen. You are so precious and special. You are a serious person, you don’t give your smiles away easily. But when you smile or laugh you light up a whole room and your laugh makes those around you happy. You have always been independent, figuring stuff out on your own and always eager to learn. You are athletic and beyond smart. You are so caring of others, you oftentimes put their needs before your own. Just remember that you are important too. Just as you treat others with gentle love and respect, you deserve it too. Just as you give others a safe room to explore their dreams, you give yourself that safe room too. People will be mean and it will hurt. But don’t let them steal your power, your joy, your love, your happiness. You are the writer, director and star of your own fairytale. Write your own story. You are strong. What they do to you won’t kill you. You will survive and be happy if you choose to love yourself a lot. You know the truth about who you are. Don’t let them tell you who you are. All the things you dream of becoming, you are. Your dreams are your mirror. I love you. You are so sweet and perfect in your own unique way. And perfect does not mean doing everything right all the time. You are perfect in that you are enough. You don’t need anything added or taken away to be considered good enough. You are good enough. And others will like you as you are, without addition or subtraction. And if they don’t like you, cuz not everyone will like you, it’s their loss, because you are wonderful. Get to know yourself really well, find your likes and dislikes and enjoy something you like every day. Be open to new things, you get an opportunity to add to your likes list. Spend your life finding out what you like and do them. Don’t forbid yourself anything, everything is allowed. You are a good girl. You don’t have to be “ladylike” to be considered good. You are a lady, because that’s who you are. Being a lady for you is being bold and brazen too. Be as fun, as silly or as serious as you need to be. And remember that you are your own best friend more than anyone else could ever be.

Love Forever,
Me.

Empty spaces

I try so hard to fill the empty spaces. It's almost an instinct. Where there is the slightest discomfort, a cold wind blowing on my nakedness, I look for a door to shut or frantically look for something to stuff the hole. I hate the cold and I'm naked underneath. I'm always buying "clothes" to cover up that nakedness. They don't keep me warm enough, in other words, they are useless. I miss my mom, I miss my great grandmother - throughout my life there have been holes that have opened up, and I don't want to feel the extent of that loss. The holes just go too deep. That started the habit of trying to cover them up, but like a sinkhole - everything I used got sucked into the hole and disappeared. Yes, I've been breaking apart at the seams. I am running around with bandaids following every tear. I read somewhere this morning, that in order to transform, I have to be willing to break apart. Willing, I am not. It is amazing though, that saying, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear!" I started writing about these holes and in my inbox came newsletter with an article about "Breaking Open". My life has been dragging me to this place of new freedom, it can't take me any further without my willing cooperation. Just like in that article by Liz Rotundo on the www.thechangeblog.com/broken-heart/, I want to become that person locked inside me! And I have to free her. Like a bomb exploding in my head, this statement blew my mind, and I quote - "I suddenly understood that for so many years, I believed that the person inside me should be fully formed and know WHO she was and WHERE her life would take her. In this incredible moment of clarity, I accepted that it’s ok to let her free now even though she is not yet fully formed. I knew that, once free, she’d find her way. And I was, in that instant, completely open to the possibilities." I'm ready to embrace ME through self love and gentleness.

Last night I decided I wanted to participate in the radical self love project, directed by my superhero, Galadarling. You rock.

"Whatever you focus on will become your reality" - Laura Bushnell

I saw this quote on another blog (Ophelia Blooming)and it stuck in my head. I had a chance to think about it some more this past week as I had this experience I'm about to share.

Last week I was thinking about adding some dresses to my wardrobe. As I scanned my magazines, I saw a sexy gray sheath which I thought would be a versatile addition to the closet...It could be worn all year round with a change in accessories and go day to night. I wrote it down on my list and said to myself, I want this gray dress. A few days later, windowshopping in the mall, yielded the said gray sheath in glen plaid (the exact pattern I was looking for), on sale. Was that a coincidence? Or did I manifest it in my reality? I could discount the power of the mind to mere chance if this only happened once in a blue moon. But as I looked back at the stuff crossed off my to-do list, quite a few of these victories were materialized without much struggle or effort, except clear intent and desire.

Have you ever noticed that when an angry thought appears in your mind, it gets bigger as another angry thought feeds into it and it picks up speed and more angry thoughts get added, and before long you forgot what you were initially angry about, but more importantly, the whole world to you now seems filled with poison and everyone is out to get you. Now step back a bit and take in the scenery - the world went on about it's business, doing what it does. The thing that changed was your perspective, due to those thoughts. Your thoughts changed your perception of reality. And at some point I'm sure you have followed through with an action, based on that new perception. That action became a brick in the construction of your world. See how you just created a reality? Just like magic!

So...first we need to figure out what kind of world we want to live in. Monitor our thoughts to make sure they help build that world - if they don't build, but help to destroy, throw them out. At first it will be hard as you sort the good from the bad bricks cemented together, keep adding more good bricks and soon you'll have your world. Look how quickly a subdivision goes up these days, and that requires physical labor and has to work around the weather. This construction I'm talking about is in your mind, ready to work when you are, and no bad weather to deal with - unless you make it so.

A Poem I wrote after watching the movie "Gabriel"

The Lord is my Shepherd
I shall not want
Are you saying Lord -
that all these hardships,
what it means to be human,
is a direct route to Your Love
and Grace?

We were not created as angels
to live in Your presence,
never separated from Your Love and Will.
Instead somewhat apart we are,
and the freedom to choose.
So You open us to opportunities
veiled as challenges
to show us the limitless bounds
of Your sweet, generous care,
Your longing to bring us close
and keep us to stay.

I thought You wanted us perfect - a state we could never be. All You ask is our acceptance of Your Grace. Celebrate our humanness as we acknowledgd Your Kingship. Our living in Love is your worship.